The Poison and The Antidote
by Vaerminas
Summary: Miranda Cousland knows how to reject and how to be the cold-hearted Commander. She has no idea how to deal with her own feelings, especially when it comes to a certain dark-haired rogue. It takes a poisoned arrow, a certain old friend and one night in her own bedroom to understand what she needs. [Takes place during Awakening]


(AN: English isn't my first language so you will probably find mistakes somewhere, I can't help it. I always thought that Bioware's biggest mistake was not making Nathaniel more important and not making him a LI of some kind. And yes, while playing Origins as this Cousland I rejected both Alistair and Zevran. I have many headcanons about her and this is one of them. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything apart from my headcanons)

* * *

The master bedroom was filled by nothing but the sound of Nathaniel's shallow breaths. Anders couldn't do anything to help him and now Miranda Cousland was taking care of the almost lifeless body of her companion. With every minute of watching over him she felt more and more useless as a Commander, as Arlessa and as a friend. The poisoned arrow was aimed at her, she was the one who should suffer but Nathaniel protected her and now he was fighting for his life. It was a ridiculous situation: She was betrayed by the loyalists of Rendon Howe and yet, they've almost killed Rendon's eldest son. Miranda was ashamed of herself, ashamed of ever doubting Nathaniel's loyalty, ashamed of not being able to prevent this fight with Esmerelle. Politics were always the bane of her existence but since she was responsible for the Wardens and the Keep, things were even worse.

"Ah, it seems that you are troubled, Warden Commander." A well-known voice has interrupted the silence as she sat on the edge of the bed, lost in her thoughts. "I can help you."  
"Zevran?" She smiled upon seeing an old friend. "What are you doing here?" _And how the hell did you get here without making any sound?_, she wanted to ask.  
"I wanted to warn you about the attack, I was too late. But you are safe and sound, just as I expected you to be." The elf came closer and gently stroked her pale cheek. He missed her badly and it wasn't easy to resist the temptation to touch her, even briefly.  
"He saved my life." She pointed at Nathaniel, ignoring his affectionate touch. "Do you know what kind of poison was used?"  
"I know, I used to be a Crow after all." He smiled in his own charming way. "And I have the antidote. But first, I want to talk with you. I want to know… Is he worth saving?" The assassin took a chair and sat in the safe corner of the room.  
"What are you talking about, Zevran?" Miranda raised her voice. It was a serious matter for her and she was in no mood for any of his sick jokes. _Are you mad?_ she suddenly wanted to yell. Instead, she said. "It can kill him soon, and I need him alive!"  
"No, no, this poison is not that powerful. He will suffer, but he won't die just yet. Let me ask you something. He wanted to assassinate you, yes?" He started his interrogation with a light smile on his lips.  
"Probably. They caught him before he could do anything, when he was sneaking around the keep." Her response was quick and honest.  
"He is that sick bastard's son, right?" Zevran was with her in Arl of Denerim's Estate. He knew about Rendon Howe, he understood how much was taken away from Miranda by that monster and he witnessed his painful death, delivered by Miranda herself.  
"Nathaniel isn't like his father." There was a certain determination in her voice. "He proved it many times, he proved it with his sacrifice. What is your point, Zevran?" She asked after losing her patience.  
"I think that you are in love with him. Probably for the first time in your life, you are in love." The elf stopped for a moment only to see Miranda's blank expression. "And that's interesting."  
"Why?" She asked hesitantly, scared of what she may hear.  
"Well… I loved you…"

After those three simple words, silence fell over the room. She didn't dare to look in his direction. She was afraid that she will see the expression of a broken man; the one that she saw when she rejected Alistair and that was almost two years ago. For a moment, she felt guilty.  
"I know." She finally responded in a cold tone, concentrating her eyes on Nathaniel.  
"You never loved me back." He stood up and walked to the window. "But do you remember when you kissed me?"  
"Once. When Taliesen wanted you back and I wanted you to stay. Yes, I remember." This conversation was quickly making her tired. When Miranda Cousland was forced to talk about her feelings, she always felt insecure but this time it was almost painful. "Are you jealous? Or are you insulted that I wanted us to be friends and nothing more?"  
"Not at all, my dear Warden. Right now, I'm only worried that you are denying yourself a simple pleasure of having a fine lover. He looks like one." Seeing as his favorite commander becomes more aggressive with each sentence, the elf decided to lighten up the mood with a witty line. Miranda finally looked at him with a faint smile on her pink lips; it was a pleasant sight.

"But… You should know that he can't be my lover, Zevran. I can't have a lover. It's too complicated to be possible." She said after another moment of silence.  
"Why do you think so?"  
"I'm the commander here. I can't just have an affair..."  
"And here I thought that since you are in charge of this huge keep, you can sleep anywhere you want, with anyone you want…" He made her smile once again.  
"Fine." She sighed. "I am attracted to him, yes, you got me. I want him. But how to you expect him to feel anything for me?"  
"Why would he risk his life for a person he hates?"  
"He respects me as his commander."  
"They all respect you but he was the only one to sacrifice himself. Risking your life to save anyone** is** a foolish thing and men do foolish things mainly out of **love**." Zevran walked up to her and left a small bottle in her hands. "Here. Make sure he drinks all of it."  
"Thank you." She stood up and hugged him gently. "Don't say a word about… this." She whispered.  
"Of course not. The Commander of the Grey in Ferelden has a reputation of being heartless, I won't change that." He laughed again. "You have my word, Miri. Maybe for once you will actually enjoy yourself." After those words, he quietly left the room.

She sat on the edge of the bed with Nathaniel's fate in her hands. _Such a small object with such a power_, Miranda reflected. It was well past midnight and it was raining outside, she realized, but even the sound of raindrops hitting a window wasn't enough to make her sleepy. She hesitantly touched Nathaniel's pale cheek. He was cold,_ too cold for a living person_, she thought. Before he got any worse, she had to use the cure. And so, she poured the liquid into his mouth while holding him gently and making sure he doesn't choke. The Commander fulfilled her duty, the rest depended only on his will to live.

* * *

Nathaniel woke up in a big, bright room. The bed was huge and soft, the scent of gardenias lingered on the pillow. _Miranda's hair always smell this way,_ he recalled and now he was certain that he is in master bedroom of the keep, in _her_ bedroom. When he opened his eyes for good, he saw Miranda, sleeping in the chair. Without her armor, in a simple, blue dress, with closed eyes and parted lips, she looked vulnerable but that was just an illusion. This women was The Commander of the Grey, she survived the Blight and killed the Archdemon. This women was Miranda Cousland and she was the most intelligent warrior and the most fascinating women he has ever met.

"Commander…" He said. "Miranda…?" She was never a heavy sleeper so it was enough to wake her up. She opened her big, turquoise eyes and smiled genuinely.  
"Oh, you are awake. How are you feeling?"  
"My head hurts, that's all." Nathaniel said as he continued looking at her face. She was smiling but she also looked tired and concerned. _Have you been watching over me all the time?,_ he wanted to ask, but thought that it would be inappropriate.  
"You had a fractured rib but I… forced Anders to heal it. And you were badly poisoned, but the antidote worked so you should be fine." Miranda reached out for his hand and placed her small palm on his. "Nathaniel... I want to thank you for protecting me." She said, looking straight into his eyes. For the first time, in her blue orbs he saw something else than usual coldness and indifference.  
"I did what I had to do."  
"No, you risked your life for me." She suddenly laughed. "When I recruited you, Oghren said that we will kill each other in a week but it seems that we are keeping each other alive."

She was truly beautiful. It wasn't a sudden realization or a passing thought; he always found Miranda exceptionally pretty but right now, when she was smiling, she was glowing. With pale, porcelain-like skin, raspberry lips, blue eyes and those long, straight, black hair she was often described as _a living ghost_ by those who saw her for the first time. _And in a perfect world without Blight and betrayals, she would have been my brother's unhappy bride_, he thought for a moment.  
"What are you thinking about?" She asked, breaking the silence between them.  
Despite the pain he still felt in his chest, he raised from the bed and tucked the stray strand of dark hair behind her ear.  
"How lovely and admirable my Commander is." He whispered into her ear and smiled, seeing that she actually blushed upon hearing his answer.  
"The antidote must have messed with your eyesight or mind, Nathaniel." She was clearly taken aback by that response but as always, she was a master of keeping her true emotions in secret.  
"Maybe." He brushed her neck with his fingertips. It was a bold move, he had to admit, but it worked. She looked at him with bewilderment but at the same time, she wasn't trying to avoid his touch.  
"Am I crossing the line, Commander?" He asked in a hushed tone. Miranda just rolled her eyes and leaned forward, closing the gap between them. It was a leap in the dark to try and kiss him but she was ready to take that risk and face the consequences.

That kiss… had never happened. Oghren barged into the bedroom before their lips could touch.  
"Miranda, Seneschal Varel was looking for you!"  
"Howe! Anders said you are a Sleeping Beauty but you are not pretty and now you are also not sleeping so move your ass from Miranda's bed and get back to work!" Sigrun yelled.  
Nathaniel and Miranda exchanged looks.  
"Come back here tonight." Miranda whispered before she left his side. The mischievous smile on her lips told him that he won't regret obeying this particular order of his Commander.


End file.
